вторник, 21 октября 2008 г.

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When I was a teenager I was a size eight. I was also a dancer and taking classes on an almost daily basis. I was working out four days a week with weight lifting, aerobics and swimming on weekends. Size eight is not that thin considering how active I was. Here is the weird part- I saw doctors then who told me I should be ten pounds smaller than I was. Meaning that at my smallest, I was not small enough for the mainstream... And I was SKINNY. I had a toned body- I was fucking hot. I literally stopped traffic several times. But doctors told me, lose weight. After age twenty, I got into a stable relationship and my dancing fizzled. I was doing half of what I once was. I gained a lot of weight. I went up to a size twelve, just bordering on plus size. At age 26 I gained A LOT of weight. I was diagnosed with AVM and I stopped excersizing altogether. Aside from a tiny bit of aerobics and weights, I was sitting still most of the time. At a size 18, I decided I was too fat and began trying to lose weight. I saw doctors and nutritionists. I followed a simple eating plan; no starches, no sweets, no sugar (which I have never bee into anyway) and low (but not no) carbohydrates. Very small portions. I started working out at a health club every other day and doing pilates at home. It wasnapos;t working. I upped the plan, eating less and restricting more, working out more. I lost fifteen pounds. Then... I couldnapos;t lose anymore. No matter how hard I tried. Refusing to do stupid shit like liquid diets and pills and all that garbage (I am not a masochist.) I found I could not lose more than 15 pounds which was not even noticeable on my frame (huge boobs.) I have found that to lose any more than 15 pounds I have to STARVE MYSELF, which is stupid. I have decided to just be fat. I am working on being a happy and proud fat woman though, which is a lot harder. I donapos;t lose or gain any weight so I can eat what I want, which is nice. I am still careful though, even still. I only eat meat once a week. I live on fish, rice, veggies and curry, and in small portions. I only snack out during parties. I have not had a soda in years. I drink herbal tea, black coffee and crystal light. I have aerobic hand weights on my desk so that I can work on my arms when I am reading on the computer.

So, WHY AM I FAT??????? GOD DAMMMMMITTTTTT

Ok. Sorry. Lost it there for a minute. But considering my eating habits I should weigh about four pounds.



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суббота, 18 октября 2008 г.

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Yesterday i went with andrew and his friends to play rock band and hang out all night�and crash, then have lunch today. Apparently, they donapos;t like christians, and iapos;m afraid to tell them... Though i would, were i asked.
...so, does that mean you wonapos;t like me, wonapos;t accept me as a friend, if you knew i was christian?

is everyone out there like that? when they are so against it...
it just hurts.

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So I worked my first shift at McDonaldapos;s today. I remembered all of the lunch sandwiches and after a few minutes remembered the breakfast ones. I was on grill today. It was alright. I had one bitchy co-worker, but whatever. I only had 45 minutes of sleep and then worked 8 hours. So yea. I was so exhausted after work. Still am. Will probably call it a night soon and go to bed.
After work I went home, grabbed my uniform shirt hat that I washed for Dibellas, went and got my check and handed them over and told them I am not returning to their store. I gave them 2 weeks notice, but mcdonalds wants me tomorrow and so did dibellas. I told dibellas too bad pretty much. They had like 20 hours notice. They can deal. I would care more about them, but they have been screwing me over royally for the past few months so whatever. So i am officially no longer working for dibellas.
my avon order finally came in this afternoon (late afternoon). I got one order to a lady in the complex. Another one wasnt home. I gave my mom her order. Tomorrow i am bringing 3 orders to work to give them to the people who ordered them.
i am not sure if i hate mcdonalds or not yet. I mean it was work. There are some nice people there and people actually work there. They are scheduling me to work and now i can earn money, which is good. So i guess i am ok with it. *nods*
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четверг, 16 октября 2008 г.

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First i got myself out of the market and then of course old fool goes straights back in for the beurscrash.

I am wiped out. Have also debts of 4000 euros. 1300 for the belasting in december. Parasites.


chance i lose my rotton job in januari.

fed up. My escape valve was the savings and now they are destroyed i have really nothing at all.

old fartmouth iii came around last week. Like nothing had happened. Told him the friendship for me is over. Boring arrogant wank.
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I have been angry and bitter over this situation ever since I�graduated:

My very expensive piece of UMASS�logoed paper stating that Iapos;m a university graduate does not bother to state my major. It merely lists a rather generic sounding "Batchelor of Arts."

Has anyone else had a similar problem? If so, does anyone know if there is a way that I could get a reprint that does state my major?

I�could understand them not printing my minor on the degree, but my major? After all the time and money that I invested in my education, thatapos;s the least they could do.

Everyone I�have spoken too from other universities has had their major printed on it.
This may seem like a petty concearn, but it is a major source of frustration and adds further fuel to the fire of burning discontent that I have for the UMASS administration and the state of Massachusetts.

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I like fall colors and i want to visit vermont at this time of year one day.

i donapos;t like overly tweaked photographs on flickr that make the world [which is already so gorgeous to me] seem surreal. I donapos;t like things that reek of effort. I want to see a real moment caught.

i like getting drunk with nicole at matsu late on friday nites. I like when people donapos;t give us dirty looks, but more like looks of "youapos;re happy and so am i."

i like when music gets introduced to me organically and i love it fiercely.

i like people. Seriously.

* is all this optimism annoying yet? hahaha.

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среда, 15 октября 2008 г.

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Katchoo had not particularly enjoyed jumping ahead 45 issues or so the weekend, but three straight days of hiding in her room (yes, sheapos;d smashed another alarm clock) made her at least partially inclined to think that maybe in all the insanity, nobody would clue into the fact that what happened to her could, well . . . Actually happen someday. Probably would, at that.

That might have been a factor in the latest batch of broken clock pieces.

She was at work today, but lurking at the back of the store, trying to stay out of view and keep an eye on the door. Just in case.

What a pain in the ass.

[OOC: Busybusybusy like WHOA today, and will likely be quite slow until I get home, so you might wanna mod your shopping.]
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I made a doctor appointment finally for the end of the month.� By then I will be 8 or 9 �weeks.� Everything is going well for me, so far.� Today it hit me after I dropped off my son at school- that lonely pregnancy feeling.� Even my first healthy pregnancy before I knew about miscarriage felt lonely at times.� Experiencing pregnancy loss and then doing it all again and feeling like you are taking a "risk" feels even more lonely.� Iapos;m feeling more an dmore pregnant- my skin is stretching and itchy, body parts rub together now when i walk that didnapos;t rub together before, I get nausea sporadically when my blood sugar drops too low.

I actually broke down and took a test on Saturday.� Iapos;ve known I was pregnant and just couldnapos;t really get myself to take the test.� Testing and then having the bleeding again would make it "real"- yet another loss.� I got a strong positive right away...as I knew I would.� I saved the second test in the box to test again before going to the doctor in order to avoid that embarrassment last time and testing at home, getting to the doctor a few days later, and then testing negative�at the office, having her�look at me like I was nuts and made it all up.� That loss was�at 4.5 weeks and was over before it was even confirmed.

So now I am either 6 or 7 weeks along.� Iapos;m unsure due to an irregular cycle last month so the sono will also help gage what week I am in.� I have made it further than my last three pregnancies which ended in losses due to being on 5 mg folic acid and baby aspirin�so I am hopeful

Just needed to unload my head since I have not posted about being pregnant again in my journals to my F-list.� Thanks for listening.

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вторник, 14 октября 2008 г.

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Beanie is getting her ultrasound today. Martin is at work so I am taking her in by myself.

There is no more cat/ferret carrier because I threw it away after Tigger died in it. The pet store doesnapos;t open until 20 minutes before the appointment so I donapos;t have time to go buy a new one.

How do I get Beanie from here to there? O.O

Does Target have cat carriers? Iapos;d better go find out. Wah
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